You have probably heard that for every action, there s a reaction that follows. For example, when Aunt Jenny smells a certain kind of flowers, she sneezes. When you don t do your school work and don t study, you get bad grades. When you are nice to your friends, you maintain those relationships. The reactions are also called consequences. There are good, bad, and neutral consequences. We usually call a bad consequence a punishment and a good consequence, a reward. A neutral consequence is just something that happens because it naturally follows the prior event. Consequences are what parents use to teach their children rules and, in turn, ways they want them to behave.
Did your grandmother ever tell you, You get more flies with honey than with vinegar? Well, she was a wise woman and she was right. When you use rewards to teach a child they remember the lesson longer and use it more often than they do when punishment is used. Why would that be? You (the parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.) are the most important people in a child s life. They will do anything to please you. When you show that you are happy with something a child has done, they will repeat it over and over again to seal their relationship with you. It s how nature works. They crave and need your honey, your love. They will even do their homework to gain your love, if you sit with them and help them. You see, that is the key they want you.
Scientists use something they call successive approximations to train animals in the lab. That just means that they take tiny little steps to ward the goal they want and reward each step the animal takes in the right direction. So if you want a baby chick to go down the path to the right, you give him some corn if he even looks to the right; more corn if he moves to the right, more corn if he moves toward the path to the right; another reward for going part way down the path, etc. Do you get the picture?
Let s take a situation with a child. A youth is not good at to cleaning his room. You start by showing him what you want him to do. Make it a game and make a big deal out of every sock that goes in the dresser. Say, Yeah! and Great job! Each time you help clean the room, you do less and let the child does more. After a few trials, the child should be cleaning the whole room without assistance. Gradually reduce the amount of cheering until there is one big, Great Job! at the end.
One way to use natural consequences is to have a child clean his room in time to have a favorite recreational activity. This way you teach the child about good choices at the same time. You must be tired today. You are going so slowly in cleaning your room that I am sure (Favorite activity) will be over by the time you are done. But you did not really want to do that anyway. Maybe tomorrow.
No, you want your favorite activity. I guess you better find some energy somewhere to clean your room because at this rate, you will surely miss it. I m so sorry, but it s your choice. How are you going to get what you want? You are teaching the child to reason as well.
Let s look at punishment. It works the same way and is better because of its natural consequences. For example, a child breaks something when he is clowning around. He has been told not to horseplay (or whatever). You could show the youth how disappointed you are that he broke ____________. Help him reason out how it happened (he was clowning around.) Have him help clean it up and add another cleaning chore (natural consequence). Use problem solving with him to show how to prevent that from happening in the future and the consequences of clowning/horseplay.
Another example might be a child who is so rough with his recreational equipment that he breaks them often. They can all go on the shelf so he can think and talk to you about how to be more careful with his equipment. The next day, bring out one activity and tell him, It is your choice. You can be careful that you do not break your ___________, so you can have another tomorrow or you can be careless and break your _________ so that it goes back on the shelf and you don t get another one tomorrow. Bring recreational supplies out or put them away depending on his ability to take care of them. Always talk to him about what is going on. There may be other reasons why this might be happening. You could also use a reward schedule to help make better recreational habits.
Using a calendar as a behavior chart can be very effective when you want to build a daily behavior such as brushing your teeth. You can say to the child, Every time you brush your teeth, you can put a star on the calendar for that day. You have to help out by checking that it has been done and remembering stars. When you have ____ (about a weeks worth) stars, we can go to the library to borrow a book (not everything has to cost money). Now, here s the key to this little gem. You are building success. The first week, you use a number that you know he can achieve; maybe it s just twice. Next week say, Let s see if you can brush your teeth four times this week. Keep increasing until your child is brushing his teeth twice a day. Rewards can be things that you might have done anyhow, but now they take on special meaning and become bonuses that build good habits.
Suppose your child has a bad habit you want to break. All of us do things because there s a reason behind it. It s important to discover the reason that the child is engaging in a bad habit. Let s say that your child is not doing her homework after school. The first thing to do is to find out why. Maybe no one is there to tell her to do homework before she plays. Is she having trouble with one of her subjects? Is she having trouble with a teacher or a bully at school? Is she having trouble with a friend? Does she want your attention? Talk to your child. Find out what is beneath the behavior that you see. Solve problems with your child. If she needs more time with you, help her with her homework. If she having trouble with a subject or someone, help her with that. Reward homework well done (use your calendar to record it) with a favorite TV show, a trip to the movies on the weekend, or a family pizza night.
In summary, whether you are teaching a child or a grown up, your rewards should outnumber your punishments by a ratio of four to one. This works for wives and husbands and partners, as well. Look beneath the behavior to see if there is something else brewing that needs attention. Above all, talk to your child, teach, and problem solve.
Author Resource:-
Kathryn Seifert has worked for over 30 years in the areas of mental health and criminal justice. She has lectured internationally, as well. Her award winning book is "How Children Become Violent" and her violence assessment is the CARE2. http://violencepreventioninformation.com
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